Inspiration: Night Song
In the winter, my mom's van (named Casper for its coloring) made the loudest noises that it ever did. It stuttered and whined and echoed around the garage before it was too filled with clutter to fit the vehicle. I don't think that we ever really liked that thing; my mom regretted needing a mini-van, and it filled the garage and entryway of the house with the terrible smell of rotten eggs. But it was the way that I got to school and from my father's house in the afternoon after I walked home.
That van was always a mess, but in the wintertime it was even worse. The cold air of Ohio made the metal creak and groan even when it was completely safe, and my stepfather worked on it at least once every two months, or so it seems in retrospect. I liked to close my eyes and listen to it when I was having a particularly fantastical day. I daydreamed a lot, got called the weird one in the family, but I liked to get lost in my mind.
My mind could turn the engine noises and hissing exhaust pipe into something different if I just subjected myself to the back of my eyelids. I pretended that I was somewhere else to escape where I really was. As long as I couldn't see the dank garage and dirty silver paint of the van, I could be anywhere, from a spaceship to a rickety, old boat. I made up elaborate situations to go along with these sounds, to supplement this fictional reality that I had created.
But then I would always hear the sound of my mother beckoning me into the house and I would leave that world behind.
Really good start. I don't want to take your classmates' potential comments, so I'll be brief.
ReplyDeletePossible topics on which you could reflect in your expansion:
1: loving something ugly
2: the make-up of your family
3: your current relationship to imagination; how you might move in and out of your own mind as distraction or release. . .
4: among many others.
Loving the rhythm of the first sentence. The parenthetical and the little phrase "that thing" a couple sentences later help you create a particular voice in this. Good!
DW
Bailey,
ReplyDeleteI like the van's name, and the fact that it has a name in the first place. I also admire the vivid imagination you describe when you close your eyes and listen to the sounds the van makes. I would elaborate on that part a little more because it was interesting!
-Emily
Bailey,
ReplyDeleteI feel like this piece is something very many people can relate to. For me, your writing reminds me of childhood, and pretending that anything and everything was much more fantastical than it actually was. Life was much more interesting back then, wasn't it?
I want to hear more though. Why was this important to you? Do you feel like these moments helped define who you are today? This is very interesting and I'd love to learn more about you!
Bailey,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the immediate connection that I could make with this piece through the old car we all had to ride in when we were younger. Your writing is easy to get captured in becasue you are vivid about the sounds, smells and other surroundings.
I agree with the other group members when I say that I would love to see more elaboration. Specifically about the elaborate situations you pictured yourself in. Maybe instead of blatantly listing things such as a rocket or a boat, you could give a detailed example of a scene you daydreamed when you were in the van.
I also really love the "snapping back" into reality moment at the end you create for not only the narrator but the readers. It's easy to get lost in descriptive paragraphs, only to be pulled back into the real-time happenings in the story - just like we do when we daydream. Nice job!
-Sam
Bailey,
ReplyDeleteGreat start! First, I like the descriptions on the van and how that ties to your imaginations, which you "pretended to be somewhere else to escape where you really were. That said, I'm curious to know about details about your imaginations and how it would tie in to your personal reflections. I think a blend of short and long sentences would spice up the story as well. I would really like to know more about your family, yourself and why your mom regretted needing Casper (Yeap, i like the name). Looking forward to see the rest of the piece.Awesome sauce!
-Joshua L.